WILMETTE – When Dr. Renee Dominguez stood before Wilmette parents and talked about “the really emotionally intense” tween years, almost everyone in the audience nodded in agreement.
Tweens are biologically wired to seek social engagement with their peers rather than with their parents and family, said Dr. Dominguez, a clinical psychologist and executive director of the Family Service Center in Wilmette, during a presentation November 8 at Wilmette Junior High School. The event was collaboration between Highcrest Middle School, WJHS Parent Teacher Organizations and the District 39 administration to raise awareness and educate parents and students on how to navigate these complex issues.
Tweens also are wired to be interested in popularity and status, although they don’t yet understand that status is a fluid concept, she said. As they develop their sense of identity, tweens feel strong emotions and are self conscious, often imagining themselves on a stage for all to observe.
While developmentally these are challenging times, the addition of texts and social media — where it is easier for kids to say hurtful things to one another than face-to-face — adds another level of complexity.
So how do parents help their children with social conflicts in the digital age, when kids on average own a smart phone by age 10? First of all, it helps to realize that kids are considered “digital natives,” because they were brought up in age of technology. Parents today? “We are immigrants,” Dr. Dominguez explained.
But just because parents are at a digital disadvantage doesn’t mean that they don’t have a lot to offer their children in the way of support. Dr. Dominguez suggested parents consider creating sensible boundaries around their child’s smartphone. She noted smartphones are a lot of responsibility for most kids, whose social lives up until that point often have been micro-managed by their parents through scheduled play dates and activities.
Some of Dr. Dominguez’ suggestions included monitoring a child’s phone by checking text messages and internet searches, establishing hours of use and unplugged time, and having clear expectations of whether or not they can be on social media or on streaming accounts such as Netflix.
But Dr. Dominguez also reassured parents they have the wisdom to mentor their children on issues such as privacy or the permanency of the internet, that most kids don’t appreciate. “There is no app that can raise our kids in the digital era,” she said.
Whether an issue arises on the internet or in person, it helps for parents and kids to understand the difference between bullying and a social conflict. A social conflict is typically a single incident that does not involve a power imbalance and is bi-directional. Unfortunately, social conflicts are a natural part of life when people interact with each other. In contrast, Dr. Dominguez describe bullying as often a repetitive act, where there is an imbalance of power and places a child in fear of harm.
Dr. Dominguez advised parents to support their child in developing skills to manage social conflicts and feel empowered. It’s important to take a pause and listen to your child, understand their perspective and validate them. Parents can be supportive by having honest conversations where they share with their child their own experiences and how they’ve made mistakes.
Tweens are wired to be interested in popularity and status.
Bullying is all about power, and is about the bully not the victim, according to Dr. Dominguez. Some actions parents could do on behalf of their child included engaging with the other parents in coming up with a solution, or involve the school to support an intervention. But Dr. Dominguez also encouraged parents to help children being bullied empower themselves. Again, take a pause and think about your own reaction, before you listen and support your child.
Studies have found that when bullying occurs, other kids who witness the bullying— also known as bystanders — often don’t take action. But when kids do something it makes a huge difference. Being an “upstander” can be as simple as acknowledging that the bullying happened and that it was wrong.
Highcrest and WJHS have just spent the month of October focused on this very issue — coined by the tagline #weareupstanders — raising student awareness of what is upstander behavior. The campaign included activities in homeroom, daily announcements, a unity day where students were encouraged to wear orange, and a half-day on Halloween dedicated to special speakers and events on this topic.
Students were surveyed on the differences between bullying and social conflicts, as well as identifying upstander behavior this fall. The schools plan to conduct another survey at the end of the school year to determine what students have learned.
These activities address the district-wide strategic goal to create a culture of empathy, according to Kelly Jackson, Principal of WJHS and Highcrest. To reach that goal, WJHS and Highcrest are educating parents, staff and students to understand the distinction between social conflict and bullying, and also promoting a positive school climate and upstander behavior.